Humor - Page 25

LundLover · 10-22-2009, 06:03 AM

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!!

This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes – Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends.

If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

ADV1 · 10-22-2009, 10:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LundLover

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!!

This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes – Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends.

If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

now this one I love!

fishman34 · 10-22-2009, 09:09 PM

Thought of the Day:

Never hold farts in. They travel up your spine and into your brain. That is where S*itty Ideas come from.......

south of 41 · 10-29-2009, 09:49 AM

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m.. on Friday night.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated in a telephone interview.’

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road , picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .

'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?’
‘He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said... 'A pumpkin? CRAP... is it midnight already?'

This was in the Washington Post... the title of the article was 'Best Come Back Line Ever.'

Shorty · 10-30-2009, 07:32 AM

Some things you just can't explain.

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket bout full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: And then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: And then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Hmmm...

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....

Some things you just can't explain.

Shorty · 11-09-2009, 11:29 AM

Eye Test

Look carefully at the picture below:

Did you notice the girls exposed derriere at the far back?

Good, now scroll down.

If Yes,

Then make an immediate appointment with your eye doctor 'cause it's the shoulder of the girl taking the picture!!

Dad O. · 11-09-2009, 01:08 PM

Real good looking arm pit.

Adam R · 11-13-2009, 03:32 PM

Looks like I will be making that apt soon.

basshunter · 11-16-2009, 06:25 PM

> woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was
> not in their
>
> bed.
>
>
>
> She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him
> and finds him
>
> sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in
> front of him. He
>
> appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
>
>
>
> She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip
> of his coffee.
>
>
>
> 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she
> steps into the room. 'Why
>
> are you down here at this time of night?'
>
>
>
> The husband looks up from is coffee, 'Do you remember
> 20 years ago when we
>
> were dating, and you were only 16?', he asks solemnly.
>
>
>
>
> The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is
> so caring and
>
> sensitive. 'Yes, I do,' she replies.
>
>
>
> The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.
> 'Do you remember
>
> when your father caught us in the back seat of my car
> making love?'
>
>
>
> 'Yes, I remember,' said his wife, lowering herself
> into a chair beside
>
> him.
>
>
>
> The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved
> the shotgun in my
>
> face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will
> send you to jail
>
> for 20 years?'
>
>
>
> 'I remember that, too,' she replied softly.
>
>
>
> He wiped another tear from his cheek and said ... 'I
> would have gotten out
>
> today.'

LiquidSteel · 11-21-2009, 08:35 PM

Ok, so most of you dont clean your monitor screens very often, or maybe your a little nervous to wipe down your fancy flatscreen. So I found a system that seems to work pretty good!

http://www.raincitystory.com/flash/screenclean.swf

**fishinwithdad** · 12-06-2009, 08:10 PM

What's the difference between a Cadillac and a golf ball?

Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yds.

Why did Tiger hit a tree AND a fire hydrant?

He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

When Tiger's wife Elin was asked how many times she hit Tiger, she answered:
"Well, I can't remember if it was 5 or 6. Better put me down for a 5."

Edit: I just noticed after posting that there is an entirely different thread full of these jokes. I promise I did not steal them from that thread. Apparently that are just really getting a lot of "play" shall we say...

fishman34 · 12-08-2009, 10:51 AM

"Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations.

The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days.
I had more people come screaming up to my door.

Two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy).

She was one of many people who attempted to rescue him.

Omaha · 12-08-2009, 11:31 AM

Ha, I got that in an email this morning too.

Scott Eveland · 12-08-2009, 11:57 AM

A guy in Hastings, on W. 12th street if I remember right, used to do something similar, only his dummy was still on the ladder and wrapped in lights.

Omaha · 12-09-2009, 10:03 AM

I got a few I could add here...

jarredbehrendt · 12-09-2009, 10:06 AM

Love the apathy one, that is some funny stuff!!!

Omaha · 12-11-2009, 03:06 PM

Omaha · 12-14-2009, 07:31 AM

H2only · 12-18-2009, 01:21 PM

Omaha · 01-13-2010, 12:21 PM

Faceoff!

10-22-2009, 06:03 AM	#481 (permalink)
LundLover LundLover is wishin' he was fishin' Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Lincoln, NE Posts: 4,171 Thanks: 118 Thanked 96 Times in 74 Posts	The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes – Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. __________________ There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it!

10-22-2009, 09:09 PM	#483 (permalink)
fishman34 fishman34 is hoping things get figured out so we have a boat for dardanelle.... Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Broken Bow/Lincoln Certified Youth Fishing Instructor Posts: 1,522 Thanks: 173 Thanked 358 Times in 225 Posts	Thought of the Day: Never hold farts in. They travel up your spine and into your brain. That is where S*itty Ideas come from....... __________________ Whackin' Woodies Waterfowl Crew To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more relaxing than going fishing...

10-29-2009, 09:49 AM	#484 (permalink)
south of 41 south of 41 is sunning high on a hill Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: waist deep in big grass Posts: 3,020 Thanks: 55 Thanked 414 Times in 208 Posts	In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m.. on Friday night. On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated in a telephone interview.’ Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road , picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. 'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence . 'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?’ ‘He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said... 'A pumpkin? CRAP... is it midnight already?' This was in the Washington Post... the title of the article was 'Best Come Back Line Ever.' __________________ Soon after I embraced the sport of angling I became convinced that I should never be able to enjoy it if I had to rely on the cooperation of the fish." Eighty percent of success is showing up. RECOVERING NICOTINE ADDICT SINCE April 6th 2008

10-30-2009, 07:32 AM	#485 (permalink)
Shorty Shorty is itching for open water Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: on the water near Lincoln Posts: 2,305 Thanks: 1,289 Thanked 320 Times in 200 Posts	Some things you just can't explain. A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened that's so horrible? Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket bout full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: Ok, but that's not so bad. Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened then? Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. Man: And then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: Again? Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So, what did you do then? Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. Man: And then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Man: Hmmm... Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So, what did you do? Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in..... Some things you just can't explain. __________________ Sometimes it's just fun to sit back and watch the circus.....

11-09-2009, 11:29 AM	#486 (permalink)
Shorty Shorty is itching for open water Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: on the water near Lincoln Posts: 2,305 Thanks: 1,289 Thanked 320 Times in 200 Posts	Eye Test Eye Test Look carefully at the picture below: Did you notice the girls exposed derriere at the far back? Good, now scroll down. If Yes, Then make an immediate appointment with your eye doctor 'cause it's the shoulder of the girl taking the picture!! __________________ Sometimes it's just fun to sit back and watch the circus.....

11-09-2009, 01:08 PM	#487 (permalink)
Dad O. Dad O. is Jobless Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Lake Havasu City, Az. Posts: 1,204 Thanks: 6 Thanked 141 Times in 97 Posts	Real good looking arm pit. __________________ Photo Album

11-13-2009, 03:32 PM	#488 (permalink)
Adam R Adam R has no status. Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Omaha Posts: 676 Thanks: 141 Thanked 69 Times in 60 Posts	Looks like I will be making that apt soon. __________________ "I think Nebraska fans are the greatest fans in all of college football. The enthusiasm here is as good as anyplace, but the integrity here of the fans is the best in America. They have a respect for the game not only for the Nebraska team but for the opponents. The best place I have ever been, right here." -Lee Corso

11-16-2009, 06:25 PM	#489 (permalink)
basshunter basshunter is not enjoying cabin fever Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Lincoln Posts: 65 Thanks: 24 Thanked 20 Times in 14 Posts	> woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was > not in their > > bed. > > > > She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him > and finds him > > sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in > front of him. He > > appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. > > > > She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip > of his coffee. > > > > 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she > steps into the room. 'Why > > are you down here at this time of night?' > > > > The husband looks up from is coffee, 'Do you remember > 20 years ago when we > > were dating, and you were only 16?', he asks solemnly. > > > > > The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is > so caring and > > sensitive. 'Yes, I do,' she replies. > > > > The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. > 'Do you remember > > when your father caught us in the back seat of my car > making love?' > > > > 'Yes, I remember,' said his wife, lowering herself > into a chair beside > > him. > > > > The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved > the shotgun in my > > face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will > send you to jail > > for 20 years?' > > > > 'I remember that, too,' she replied softly. > > > > He wiped another tear from his cheek and said ... 'I > would have gotten out > > today.' Last edited by basshunter; 11-16-2009 at 07:09 PM.. Reason: the punch line didn't get in there

11-21-2009, 08:35 PM	#490 (permalink)
LiquidSteel LiquidSteel is listening to Metallica Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 900 Thanks: 370 Thanked 79 Times in 40 Posts	Screen Cleaner Ok, so most of you dont clean your monitor screens very often, or maybe your a little nervous to wipe down your fancy flatscreen. So I found a system that seems to work pretty good! http://www.raincitystory.com/flash/screenclean.swf __________________ I do what the voices in my tackle box tell me to do.

12-06-2009, 08:10 PM	#491 (permalink)
fishinwithdad fishinwithdad is spring, spring fever... da- da- daaa!! Moderator Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Lincoln Posts: 1,465 Thanks: 602 Thanked 400 Times in 249 Posts	Go on. Be a Tiger. What's the difference between a Cadillac and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yds. Why did Tiger hit a tree AND a fire hydrant? He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron. When Tiger's wife Elin was asked how many times she hit Tiger, she answered: "Well, I can't remember if it was 5 or 6. Better put me down for a 5." Edit: I just noticed after posting that there is an entirely different thread full of these jokes. I promise I did not steal them from that thread. Apparently that are just really getting a lot of "play" shall we say... __________________ "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." Last edited by fishinwithdad; 12-06-2009 at 08:16 PM..

12-08-2009, 10:51 AM	#492 (permalink)
fishman34 fishman34 is hoping things get figured out so we have a boat for dardanelle.... Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Broken Bow/Lincoln Certified Youth Fishing Instructor Posts: 1,522 Thanks: 173 Thanked 358 Times in 225 Posts	"Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my door. Two things made me take it down. First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by. Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). She was one of many people who attempted to rescue him. __________________ Whackin' Woodies Waterfowl Crew To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more relaxing than going fishing...

12-08-2009, 11:31 AM	#493 (permalink)
Omaha Omaha is building a pond. Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Omaha/Springfield, NE Certified Youth Fishing Instructor Posts: 788 Thanks: 331 Thanked 195 Times in 139 Posts	Ha, I got that in an email this morning too.

12-08-2009, 11:57 AM	#494 (permalink)
Scott Eveland Scott Eveland is exciting about the rising water! Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: The Water, The West, The Best Volunteer Hunter Education Instructor Certified Boating Instructor Posts: 1,452 Thanks: 218 Thanked 573 Times in 255 Posts	A guy in Hastings, on W. 12th street if I remember right, used to do something similar, only his dummy was still on the ladder and wrapped in lights. __________________

12-09-2009, 10:03 AM	#495 (permalink)
Omaha Omaha is building a pond. Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Omaha/Springfield, NE Certified Youth Fishing Instructor Posts: 788 Thanks: 331 Thanked 195 Times in 139 Posts	I got a few I could add here...

12-09-2009, 10:06 AM	#496 (permalink)
jarredbehrendt jarredbehrendt is Dreaming of Paradise Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Omaha, NE for now.... Certified Youth Fishing Instructor Posts: 2,473 Thanks: 596 Thanked 405 Times in 303 Posts Blog Entries: 68	Love the apathy one, that is some funny stuff!!! __________________ Fish when you can...... Work when you have to.

12-11-2009, 03:06 PM	#497 (permalink)
Omaha Omaha is building a pond. Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Omaha/Springfield, NE Certified Youth Fishing Instructor Posts: 788 Thanks: 331 Thanked 195 Times in 139 Posts

12-14-2009, 07:31 AM	#498 (permalink)
Omaha Omaha is building a pond. Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Omaha/Springfield, NE Certified Youth Fishing Instructor Posts: 788 Thanks: 331 Thanked 195 Times in 139 Posts

12-18-2009, 01:21 PM	#499 (permalink)
H2only H2only has no status. Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Lincoln, NE Posts: 1,692 Thanks: 86 Thanked 305 Times in 209 Posts	__________________ "A government big enough to give you everything you want, is big enough to take away everything you have." - Thomas Jefferson

01-13-2010, 12:21 PM	#500 (permalink)
Omaha Omaha is building a pond. Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Omaha/Springfield, NE Certified Youth Fishing Instructor Posts: 788 Thanks: 331 Thanked 195 Times in 139 Posts	Faceoff!

LinkBacks (?) LinkBack to this Thread: http://www.nefga.org/forum/everything-else/4316-humor.html
Posted By	For	Type	Date
YouTube - LOW JET FLY BY	This thread	Refback	03-26-2008 07:24 PM

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode