Why English Teachers Die Young

LundLover · 09-17-2008, 06:50 AM

If you can write AT LEAST this good, perhaps you should consider becoming an author for the forum!

Why English Teachers Die Young

Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

thedarkarcher · 09-17-2008, 10:46 AM

AnglerX · 09-17-2008, 10:46 AM

Quote:

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

Makes sense to me?

I also like this one and plan on using it sometime as a pick-up line:

Quote:

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

MrGadget · 09-17-2008, 12:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LundLover

If you can write AT LEAST this good, perhaps you should consider becoming an author for the forum!

Let's see...

"Her eyes were dark and mysterious, like two pee-holes in a snowbank."

Gadget

LundLover · 09-17-2008, 01:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrGadget

Let's see...

"Her eyes were dark and mysterious, like two pee-holes in a snowbank."

Gadget

You're hired!

CanoeGuru · 09-17-2008, 07:16 PM

Great post!

OldBaldGuy · 09-18-2008, 10:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrGadget

Let's see...

"Her eyes were dark and mysterious, like two pee-holes in a snowbank."

Gadget

I'd get her to a doctor, Gadget. Yellow eyes could be a symptom of jaundice.

You write good. Well, too.

Fishingnerd33 · 09-28-2008, 10:10 PM

That's really funny; I'm going to have to send this on to my dad...he's been an English teacher for 37 years. I'm sure he's read his fair share of these.

Big Johnson · 09-29-2008, 09:47 PM

Tears in my eyes from LMAO!!!

09-17-2008, 06:50 AM	#1 (permalink)
LundLover Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Lincoln, NE Posts: 3,831 Thanks: 26 Thanked 16 Times in 15 Posts	Why English Teachers Die Young If you can write AT LEAST this good, perhaps you should consider becoming an author for the forum! Why English Teachers Die Young Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays 1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. 2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. 3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. 5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. 6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. 8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM. 9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. 10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. 11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. 12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. 13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. 14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. 15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. 16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. 17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River. 18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. 19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. 20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. 21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. 22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. 23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. 24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. 25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. 26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser. 27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. 28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. __________________ A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. - To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

09-17-2008, 07:16 PM	#6 (permalink)
CanoeGuru Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Lincoln Posts: 1,118 Thanks: 2 Thanked 6 Times in 5 Posts	Great post! __________________ "Survival depends on being able to suppress anxiety and replace it with calm, clear, quick and correct reasoning..." -Sheck Exley

09-28-2008, 10:10 PM	#8 (permalink)
Fishingnerd33 Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Chadron, NE Posts: 896 Thanks: 53 Thanked 20 Times in 14 Posts	That's really funny; I'm going to have to send this on to my dad...he's been an English teacher for 37 years. I'm sure he's read his fair share of these. __________________ In Christ alone I place my trust, And find my glory In the power of the cross. In every victory, Let it be said of me, My source of strength, My source of hope, Is Christ alone.

09-29-2008, 09:47 PM	#9 (permalink)
Big Johnson Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Columbus Posts: 219 Thanks: 38 Thanked 43 Times in 19 Posts	Tears in my eyes from LMAO!!! __________________ Regards, Rob Johnson

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09-17-2008, 10:46 AM	#2 (permalink)
thedarkarcher Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: Lincoln Posts: 739 Thanks: 45 Thanked 25 Times in 23 Posts